One day you are IN, the next day… “Auf!”

What is it about Project Runway that makes me think I can sew a dress? I can barely sew on a button.

That show fills me with a completely grandiose sense of my inner-seamstress. I am critical of every cut and line, each fabric and pattern, right down to the buttons and pin-tucks on a sleeve. This, from a woman who has trouble getting a straight hem on drapes. I need to check my couture-diva-never-made-garment-bitch at the workroom door.

Dave and I got trapped in a marathon of PR last night. Dave loves the characters, I love the challenges, between the two of us, we can talk for hours about how cruel, rude, hot, and tacky every element/cast member can be.

Who is merely a pattern maker and who has true vision? Doesn’t that question sound an eerie echo into every facet of our lives?

And around the fifth hour, I began to wonder—What is my fashion point of view? What would I create out of garbage? How would I dress a dog? I think these are the pressing questions that are really facing our country. And here are my answers:

Fashion POV:
Let’s bring back the corset. Definitely. Since it seems that precisely the same dimensions must be applied to all women for these designers to create anything. So, break out the medieval torture devices because that is what is it going to take to get any natural beauty even quasi-modelesque.
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I could not get over the fact that in the challenge for “real women” the designers totally panicked. Totally lost their all their big-bad-designer-mojo. They were more inspired my dogs! Yes, actually canines! Those hairy, albeit adorable, furry monsters caused more synapses to fire than “real women”.

So, what the hell is so tricky about clothing the full-figured woman?

Fatty-fatty-two-by-four still has to get dressed for work. She doesn’t want to wear a potato-sack. She is still a diva in her own right, even if she did break the scale yesterday. And just how do those pompous little designers think they got here? Not by stork (which ironically have the same dimensions as most models). No! They arrived by sheer force through the hips of those poor women, and if they think that kind of trauma doesn’t ruin a gal, they are as diluted as they are unimaginative!

What would I create out of garbage?

I think that based on the awesome splooge-inundating power of my children, disposable sportswear would be sheer genius. Why bother with Oxy-clean, Oxy-magic, Oxy-miraculous-spot-removing-goop? Just rip the shirt off and toss it in with the diapers. Hell, I wouldn’t mind a bra made of plastic cups, it can’t be any more uncomfortable than the minimizer that I wear now. And for creating that all-important corset, I think a well-engineered plastic wrap with the same cinches found on reams of paper would accomplish both slimming and sweating. It will be nasty after a long day, so just chuck it with the dinner that you made which the kids never ate.

Of course, it is important to accessorize, so I would not skimp on the details, cardboard hats, candy wrapper bangles, orange rind necklaces, they all sound charming. If anyone questions you or your odor, blame the children. It is a small price to pay for a new outfit every morning.

How would I dress a dog?

Well, first off…how about diapers? Monkeys wear them and it just seems civilized. Aside from that, I would recommend warning signs, like—I bite. I am a yappy annoyance. Or I am sweet, but I drool incessantly. Maybe, I beg, but isn’t it sexy? In fact, we could all use warning signs, but I figure dogs are less likely to protest to being pigeon-holed. They are what they are, and we could all learn from that.

If I ever have the time, I am actually going to make myself a dress. I put it on my list of things to do in my lifetime. I will give myself a budget and keep muttering, “Make it work!” And I promise that I will wear the dress out in public, even if it looks like a middle-school-home-ecomonics-pass/fail-disaster.

Because, it is important to walk a mile in the designer shoes of the people who entertain you the most.


ps. Tonya, this one's for you.