The 411

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up with a Cheerios stuck to my ass.

Today’s chore: New phone service.

What has improved about home phone service in the modern era? I don’t know why we can’t buy a phone that just works like the good old rotary monsters of yester-year. I can’t think of a time those phones failed me. I could talk to my boyfriend for hours on end and hear every breath of pre-verbal, adolescent, immature, hormonal.oh, is that Fantasy Island in the background…non-sense without interruption.

I currently own a phone that got decent reviews, which literally turns into a Jiffy Pop Popper every time the microwave turns on. Have the critics never nuked a cup of coffee while bitching to a sister? I guess there are other heating elements that I am not aware of to preserve telecommunications clarity.

While the actual devices suck, what sucks even more is setting up the service to provide utterly crucial connections to your loved ones and solicitors. It took me 30 minutes (and that is a rare underestimate) to get a phone number here. And that was the first phone oh-my-go-I-have-to-get-our-lives-in-order call because you can’t get garbage collected or turn on a gas burner without those precious digits.

The call was so agonizingly long; both of my youngsters abandoned lost all signs of sanity waiting for juice (when will they create an IV for that junkie?), diaper changes and general stimulation outside of Sesame Street. I had to hang up before we discussed the finer points of a modern phone’s features.

So, we currently have a phone that rings. That is it. It rings. There is no answering service, no call waiting, no caller ID. We have a phone that is likely supported by the last individual operator from the 1900’s. I am sure she lives in Vista with her fifteen cats. She will connect me to Dr. Smith at a moments notice, assuming he is not delivering a litter of kittens or tending to a bayonet wound. But she will not let me know that the Republicans are calling for my support.

(This is what my phone should look like based on it's single function.)

In light of the fact that nobody can leave a message, and I am often elbow deep in poop, pee or bathwater assuming either of those elements are bigger than a wet wipe can handle, I don’t always get to the phone. And my current solution of calling all 6 people who phone me regularly, and asking if they called is pretty much stupid and annoying to all of those innocents. The ironic, and moronic, part of this exercise is that any of those six people know me, and my life well enough to call again or try my cell. So, I am needlessly torturing my people.

Well, I have always wanted to try Vonage. Okay. I call. And they start with the yammering on about phone options and service packages. I said, “Listen, I can’t sit and talk for more than a few minutes. I have a credit card ready. Just sign me up!” And with those words, I embarked on another 45 minute odyssey of disclaimers, fine print and I am not sure, but I think my soul belongs to Satan, or if not mine, one of my children’s.

I agreed to everything in the queue, and between the “What? Yeah. Sure.” I was screaming “STOP IT!” to my son who was taunting Phoebe and telling me to “Go away!” (If only it were that simple.) And every time, the operator heard me scream “STOP” She said, “Shall I continue?” which seemed a little bitchy, condescending and obnoxious (truth be told, it made me nostalgic). I answered each faux-request with an exaggerated “Yes, PLEEZ!” And honestly, is she suggesting that she can’t discern the tone I use with a misbehaving toddler from the tone I use with a stranger I am growing to dislike immensely. I will have to work on that.

“Are we done yet?”
“No, just ten more minutes.”
“I don’t have 10 minutes, you have my credit card and mailing address, charge me, send the contract, and send the bill—can’t we be DONE!”
“No, just twelve more minutes.”
“WHAT!?! Are you kidding me? It was ten minutes just a second ago!”
“ That was before you interrupted me. This is being taped and it must be accurate.”

So, it’s all been caught on tape, recorded for posterity, and that is where our phone systems have evolved. That is the one little upgrade that seems to be working flawlessly.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if I were on the phone with me today—and I had to deal with my attitude, my ranting and my impatience—I would be playing that tape to my buddies, I would take it home to my husband to show what idiots I have to deal with, I would even play it for my nosey neighbor just to give her a fix.

Yup, Vonage and George W. are on the cutting edge of telephone communications and I am sitting on the other end, peeling Cheerios off my buttocks.