Go Fourth.
I am happy. I am happy because my kids saw some decent fireworks. Happy because on a moments notice we went to see fireworks. Happy because two sets of very close friends came to see us this weekend for fast, furious, fun-filled visits. Happy because my parents had us over for a spontaneous and delicious cookout. Happy because my husband giddily changed diapers on a lawn (and I find nothing sexier). Happy because every event and every companion this weekend filled me with joy. Happy to know that I am capable of such delight in the presence of humanity and even happy to be a part of humanity. Overall, my happiness equaled a life-affirming joy.
And while, I will probably never be a true-southern cal babe, I will never totally “fit” here, I realize, that I will find happiness here. And if ever a moment of independence were felt from an American, it would be mine. I feel a pounds lighter and a suspiciously optimistic.
It is odd though, and possibly certifiable. Because one of my best friends, Tonya was here and I was dumping my toxic wasteland of troubles on her unsuspecting ears, and she said, along with many positive things—”Honey, you need therapy.” My smile radiated from ear to ear. She just told it like it was…and I couldn’t have agreed more. The voices in my head are definitely beginning to shadow the voices of the people I adore. But let’s bear in mind that I left the people I adore at quite a distance. It would require more than a megaphone to compete.
What have I learned from such overwhelming bliss? Having your special people close to you makes you feel whole. It completes you. How cheesey, huh? How totally disgustingly sappy and grotesequely corny? I would dismiss it completely—if I weren’t so joyously satisfied following these encounters. I would find myself above all that ridiculousness, if I weren’t so damned and utterly thrilling to have my people finger my discontent and be willing to make posters for the local post office.
I trust them and when they look around and say, “Yes, you did it! ““You are growing up.” And I say, “you think?” And they say, “Are you nuts?” YES! YES! I am nuts! But “Yes, it seems that I am growing up.” “Ah, more wine? Hmmm, that’s just what Dave tells me all the time!?!”
So, I will keep muddling along and doing what, I hope, is best for my family. I think there is a whiff of destiny, and during the awkward silences, I will force myself to remember that there is a world of people behind me. And when I feel lost and alone, I will know that I have my people behind me, they are there for me—they believe in me. And if all else fails, they are willing to sign the papers to commit me. So, at least I don’t have to do that alone.
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