Beware the Mold.

“You attract the crazies!” this from my sister Kim when I relayed the details of our run-in with The Mold Lady. Dave and I were a little worried that there might be a lot more nuts in this area than Oakland. We were happy to hear that it’s not an especially high-concentration or a looney-bin annex—It’s just us. It’s our hormones, or phermones, or psychomones that makes them gravitate towards us. Dave actually said, “Well, that’s a relief, we thought it was the ocean.” (Seriously, he said that.)

“There is some sort of ‘vibe’ you send.” Kim again.

I don’t know what vibe I emit that would prompt an elderly woman to talk for 40 minutes about the mold that nearly killed her and maimed her husband. But my ‘vibe’ is deadly accurate in finding the MOST annoying people and dropping them at my feet, notebook and pen in hand, transcribing her thoughts.

She gave me the play-b-play of a 10-year drama starting with a headache and ending in lymphoma, which was eventually cured by moving to Michigan. She warned us against mold, obviously. But she didn’t stop there. She mentioned the rat infestation, the water, the mold again, the spiders, the odor, the moisture, the brain decay, the dementia. It was an all out litany of disease and deaths, which we were imminent and we should avoid at all costs. She finally gave me her name and number to call, should any or all of these plights strike us down.

Okay, yes. It’s clear that I give off a vibe. But when the nutbags arrive, I swear, I go into shock. I sink into a serious state of astonishment laced with utter confusion, and a sliver of the hope that I am truly being “Punked” (even though I am not a star and never will be). The vibe could be described as terror. My sister thinks I am too "friendly". Call it what you will, it needs to be destroyed, cleansed or dropped like a bad habit.

I learned the following from this encounter:
1. I am not the only one in need of friends here.
2. Home Depot sells a mold-testing kit for $10.
3. If it wasn’t for children’s melt-downs, I would still be discussing mold.
4. I can only exit a conversation by sawing off a limb.
5. Mold makes a person crazy, literally.
6. Never stop the stroller, no matter how cute they call your kids.
7. Bob and weave.
8. Or duck and cover.
9. Rats can seem like welcomed company compared to some people.
10. “Vibes” can be dangerous, perhaps even fatal.